Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)
Don’t you love to go see a summer blockbuster film which in its opening weekend already has a shitty IMDb rating while Marvel is getting almost 10 out of 10 for Howard the Duck in the post-credits? Well you will certainly love this one then. TMNT is visionary producer Michael Bay’s latest brave attempt to destroy a cult classic comic book story. Witness if you dare, a guy completely mindfucking into obedience a team of creative writers and successful directors into packing the film with more slow motion explosions than even Gabourey Sidibe’s toilet bowl would handle, ruin the childhoods of generations of people and then take the credit for everything in case it kills at the box office. Although most of you guys might have been entranced by Megan Fox’s attempts to act by sighing every 12 seconds and failed to notice some crucial moments, and I don’t mean the ones from Leonardo’s plotline because that was just gone, I am here to give you the following 5 purposefully hidden, bluntly ominous and mysteriously conceived secrets THEY didn’t want YOU to see in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:
- Turtles don’t eat pizza! Shockingly there have been no historical records of turtles feeding on Pizza Hut pizzas. Most turtles instead have a diet composed of insects, worms, jellyfish and aquatic plants. Research points to no evidence of mutants or ninjas enjoying pizzas either. Hence it is only the teenage part which draws these ugly, noseless, 7-feet tall half aliens to the pizza. It is a well-guarded secret that Michael Bay plans to release additional footage for the Blu-Ray release of other weird teenage activities practiced by the turtles such as undetected appearances on rave parties, sunbathing on rooftops, debuting on an open mic in a degraded Greenwich Village comedy club with a bit about Splinter being a bitch, masturbating in the sewers and many others.
- Shredder is a Decepticon from Dark of the Moon! It is pretty obvious and disappointing. Apparently Michael Bay enjoyed working with Crankcase so much on Transformers, he offered him the part. The robot has been seriously criticized for his poor performance ever since though, citing the fact he didn’t even apply his shapeshifting abilities. For that he politely blames his inspiration in acting – Kristen Steward.
- Splinter secretly hates people! Very few know that Splinter’s grandparents were brutally murdered and eaten during the Great Depression. Ever since the Sensei has persistently avoided socializing with humans and invested his time into raising socially awkward ninjas. The Master is also such a big fan of the novel 1984 that in the movie he decides to fight Shredder 101.
- Black people are seizing control over the media! It wasn’t long ago since the KKK organized riots in parts of southeastern Wyoming after the theatrical release of Man of Steel featuring Laurence Fishburne as the head of the Daily Planet. Now Whoopie Goldberg is the boss of Channel 6 and pretty soon Oprah will step into the comic realm too and start giving away cars to people while a black Spiderman is taking pictures of her. Strap in for more ethnic diversity coming up as Hispanic VCs hit the Gotham Stock Exchange, Asian farmers raise Polynesian superheroes and Jews…well they count money on private islands as usual.
- Plans for 17 sequels and 4 prequels have been made! Michael Bay secretly plans to keep making TMNT movies until he drops dead, killed by feelings of guilt. The new movies will be all devoted to fixing plot holes in the first installment. Some of the titles include: TMNT: Why Leonardo Became the Leader, TMNT: Shredder Origins, TMNT: The One where April Learns how to Take Photos etc. Reports have also leaked of a crossover between Transformers and Armageddon as well as a sequel to Pearl Harbor. All of the future films are said to star exclusively Megan Foxx and CGI-ed monsters.
Well there you go, kids! If that wasn’t enlightening enough, go ask your parents why they adopted you. Take care and check in next time when we will go over the heavily guarded secrets of Freddy got Fingered.