History Explained: Napoleon

Posted by on Mar 7, 2013 in History Explained


Did you know that Napoleon Bonaparte had a small penis? Ha! Welcome to History explained the in-depth analysis of different kinds of history. Kids, if you’re struggling to mark this and paste it in a word document entitled ‘Homework’ – stop. It is way too serious and your teachers will know you couldn’t have come up with something so genius.

Today we will explain 5 random facts about Napoleon. Ready?

1. In the last years of his life, Napoleon was old. Before he died he lived in a house. Apparently it was such a famous house it has a name and a separate Wikipedia page. It’s called Longwood House. Although it is a museum owned by the French Government, Jack Nicholson has expressed interest into moving in as one of the exhibits, after Mick Jagger turned it down because it had not been a natural history museum and there were no other dinosaurs.

2. Napoleon became a symbol of tactical success, political power and small genitalia related insecurities. He was also usually portrayed with an emotionless baby face or the way Merilyn Manson and Kristen Steward’s baby would look like. Being a fairly famous person Napoleon was often being followed by paparazzi who had to draw his baby face on pieces of paper with the risk of getting shot or cumshot.

3. Some historians believe that Napoleon was named after a famous character in Sid Meyer’s Civilizations series.

4. The Napoleon Dynamite film and subsequent series have nothing to do with Napoleon Bonaparte. Well maybe except the fact that the main protagonist rides the occasional horse.

5. Did I mention Napoleon had a small penis?

That was all for this episode of History Explained. I hope everything makes sense now. Join us next time when we will discuss why Cleopatra invented the first merkin.

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