History Explained: Troy

Posted by on Mar 28, 2015 in History Explained

Hi there friends, stop swiping Tinder with your dick for a second and get ready to learn something useful. I’m sure you all remember reading Iliad in school or at least seeing Eric Bana’s dumbest movie haircut ever.

CaptureThat’s right, it’s time for History Explained and this time we will reveal the truth about Troy. And if the first thing you thought of when you saw Troy was Zac Efron in High School Musical, please close the browser, turn off the computer and jump off the nearest mountain cliff. Today we are learning about Troy – the legendary Greek city which thousands of men killed each other trying to capture for 10 years straight because of some really hot chick named Helen.

Here come 5 random true facts about Troy:

  1. Troy was actually in Atlantis. There have been many theories as to where Troy was located, including Turkey, Greece, Area 51, Mars and Kim Kardashian’s butt. The truth however is that it was built in the legendary lost continent of Atlantis where it is still to be found along with Cthulhu’s testicles, Mulder’s sister and Leonardo DiCaprio’s Oscar.
  2. Achilles’s weakness were not his heals but his gay sandals. Were the greatest warrior of the Trojan war alive today, Joan Rivers would undoubtedly raise from the dead just to arrest him with her fashion police. In the 2004 Wolfgang Petersen film Achilles’s demise is captured quite realistically when gay icon Legolas, repulsed by the sandals, shoots him in the feet and kills him. No wonder why after Brad’s convincing portrayal of Achilles a gay sandal scandal ensues resulting in famous friend Jennifer Anniston breaking up with him.
  3. Homer was a pedophile. The epic poet touring ancient Greece with his hit one-man show Iliad and then it’s follow up – Odyssey – was always accompanied by a young boy-guide and, as we all know, was blind as a bat. Also just like bats he had a hairy penis. Blind people naturally have the best pedophilic excuse ever because they always need to touch everything and also sing Motown songs. There is no doubt then that Homer was the Greek Michael Jackson.
  4. Trojan is the worst brand name for condoms. If you are female, just picture the metaphor – a Trojan will get a small army of soldiers in who will destroy you from the inside. What’s next? Rubber suicide? ISIS airlines? Spartan zombies? Mel Gibson?
  5. Troy fell due to low firewall protection. I know Greece has some economic problems but they can’t seriously expect to protect a city without spending a few extra euros on an antivirus program. And Trojan horses are not even the worse of malware. Now it was the Achaeans but soon enough the Russians will follow, then the Bulgarians and all the other hackers until there is no encrypted naked photo left unleaked.

There you go guys. If you don’t feel sufficiently shocked, go google ‘Shia LaBeouf’s Rattail’. Make sure to come back for the next edition of History explained when I will discuss my own history and share 5 random childhood photos of my penis.

History Explained: Dinosaurs