Bogi’s guide to reading books
Dear fanatic followers and lunatics reading this for inexplicable and deeply disturbing reasons, welcome back. You wish I could say I missed you. I wish too.
Recently I realized that by reading books you not only lose lifetime friends but also eyesight and money. I also came to the conclusion that you can gain unusually indebt knowledge about such important topics as alien time travel abilities, alternative historical events, vampire love life, wizard sports and sick sexual fantasies of middle-aged frigid women, oh and I am not referring, by any one of these, to Hilary Clinton’s autobiography. Quite frankly, books are awesome! After all how else will you learn from the incredible experience of people who have spent years eating Doritos and drinking coffee in their yellow-stained pajamas and crunchy-on-the-inside slippers while dreaming of a real job? You can also easily enrich your vocabulary adding completely and rightfully forgotten and socially-awkward words and impress your guests with a new dust collecting installation with the fancy name of a ‘home library’. And yet being aware of all the benefits, we can’t help but notice all the reports coming to our attention each year of injuries, incinerations, incarnations, inseminations etc. all caused by improper handling and preservation of literature. Therefore I have decided to share with you this simple step-by-step guide to reading books which will hopefully enlighten you or whatever.
- Pick a language. Books tend to be written using a combination of words bond together by the rules of a certain language, just like your random Limp Bizkit song except for the bond part. Of course if you happen to be mentally challenged, an American teenager or Kanye West, you will have to first learn a language. Tip: It’s always good to read a book in the language it was originally written provided you are fluent enough. If you intend to read Just Bieber’s book however, you won’t even need a command of English. Koko the gorilla read it in 2 hours and ran back into the jungle.
- Choose a genre. If you are not a nerd and believe there is more to this world than androids and dragons, you can pick from a variety of literary genres. Whether it is fiction or non-fiction, written by Stephen King and Terry Pratchett or the remaining 7 books in the bookstore, it is crucial that you know what you want from life in order to make that complex decision. One way of doing that would be to actually appreciate the gifts God have given you and stay productive and the other would be expensive and vaguely reliable psychiatric therapy. Note: Classics and 90’s hip-hop don’t apply here.
- Decide on a book. Applicable here is the whole arsenal of tools ranging from a recommendation by a girl who has just friend-zoned you to read ‘The Notebook’ to a suggested written solution to your problem of always forgetting to buy toothpicks when you are in the grocery store in ‘How to make a business plan for shopping’. Don’t worry, even if the book is not great you won’t feel nearly as tired as after playing Battlefield all night, not as guilty as right after masturbation and almost as well as playing Battlefield and masturbating at the same time.
- Actually read the book already. Feel free to use your eyes, hands, ears or any other sense at your disposal to get the thing done and I guarantee you, you will feel like King Kong on top of Empire State building or at least like George Takei on top of Jared Leto.
Now that you finally know the secrets to reading a book the proper way, you should have no trouble taking part in trivia games at the retirement house or annoy bored girls at parties. No need to thank me, I only need your money. Seriously though, if you have some spare cash, just send me a message and we’ll figure it out, ok?