I sweat a lot. People tell me I sweat like a pig. Now this is not true. First of all I have never seen a pig sweat. I am not a pigologist but this can’t be right, can it? It’s not like I go to the store to buy me some ham only to come back home, open it up and realize in bewilderment it is still wet reaching out with a shaking hand to grab a Rexona.
Also if you think about it, it is a very rude thing to say to someone. So not only am I sweating but, although unrelated in its origin, I’m like a pig too. Those are too separate mean things to say to someone. It is like saying ‘you are stupid…like an ugly person’. Instead of the attribute complementing and elaborating the object as in ‘You are gay…like a faggot’ it sends us to an alternative universe of humiliation.
So anyway, I sweat. And the worst thing is that the season of sweating is approaching and I begin to sweat during sex, especially during the longer love-making sessions. Each time I try to give my girlfriend a little extra time in bed I start sweating. You know, one of the times you start thinking of dead raccoons, wrinkles, socks and other distracting things to help you last longer? When I close my eyes and my girlfriend is thinking ‘Oh, he really enjoys it’ and I am thinking ‘Oh, my grandma’s tits were ugly’. And as I am about to reach into the threshold of anaerobic sexual weight management, I can feel the first drop of sweat making a run down my forehead assisted by gravity. The back of my head starts resembling a seagull freshly drowned in an oil spill and my girlfriend starts looking herself up in her reflection on my neck. So I come up with a genius idea, I take off my coat, lay down on my back and ask her to get on top. And here is how I realized how serious my sweating problem is. While we were changing positions, my girlfriend slipped on me and broke two ribs. Yeah, I know. She was spitting blood until we finished.
So in general sweating sucks. Although there are the occasional positive things about it like not needing so much hair gel and looking sort of ok in a swimming pool it brings forward a rather challenging and complicated life for only the most adventurous of characters.